Eric Idle
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August 5 2009: I surely have never met anyone as charming as William Jefferson Clinton, if there is such a one. Consider this: He wooed and wed the cerebral Ms. Hilary, publicly cheated on this whip-smart wife, and yet somehow convinced her to stay with him. She even continues to enjoy his company and speak well of him behind his back. He almost managed to perform the impossible feat of cobbling together a peace pact between Palestine and Israel ... but his term ended a bit too soon. Missed it by that much!
No doubt he enjoyed that ride. When Clinton ran for President, he and Hilary tried to sell themelves and their qualifications as "two for one" -- and that is truly what we have today. Hilary is an outstanding Secretary of State; lately she seems born for the role. And her husband, the former president still admired by leaders all over the world, is using what is apparently his overwhelming charm to bring about a desired diplomatic end with a minimum of fuss and muss. Look how happy the irascible Kim Jong Il looks here, standing next to the big, exciting former U.S. President he remembers so fondly. He is basking in Clinton's reflected glory. Clinton doesn't even look that good, but the mere fact that he showed up sure as hell is good enough. And then you consider President Obama and Secretary Clinton, coming up with this audacious idea and cackling with glee. Bill gets to do his thing, journalists are freed, Hilary doesn't have to deal with Kim Jong Il (the two have been exchanging snarky remarks of late), and Obama seems entirely above the whole affair. Plus, Bill's out of their hair for a few days. Everybody wins. We will not see his like again.
Yeah, we didn't know he also had a kidney stone at the time. He gave a speech that left everybody cheering. The guy was an animal. My friend Helen told me today, "He was my Teddy Bear." Say what? So she told me the story. It seems that sometime around 1985, Helen worked for a guy who had an office in the Massachusetts statehouse. One morning she was bringing her boss some files and spied Ted Kennedy on the steps. She couldn't pass up the opportunity so she walked up and said, "Hi, Senator Kennedy, how are you?" He said he was fine, wasn't it a lovely day, what was her name, what was she doing here on this beautiful morning? She replied that she was Helen, and she was bringing some papers to her boss, Joe Schmo. "You work for Joe Schmo?" he exclaimed. "Oh, you don't want to do that. He's a big jerk!"
"Ohhhh, I'm gonna tell him you said that," she warned him with a laugh. "Good. You do that. We'll have a fight, and I wanna have a fight with somebody." After about five minutes of pleasant conversation, they bid each other goodbye and Helen went on her way. Four or five months went by -- and then late one morning, there was Ted Kennedy again on the statehouse steps! She came over: "Hi, Senator Kennedy!" He turned toward her, smiled, and greeted her with, "Well, hello there, Helen, how have you been?" She was stunned that he remembered her name -- but then he surprised her even more when he abruptly asked, "How about lunch?" So my friend Helen had a lunch date with the Honorable Edward M. Kennedy -- several times, as a matter of fact. He remembered every little thing she ever told him, and when they spoke she felt like they'd been friends forever, like there was nobody else around. His attention was focused specifically on her. She even met his nephew, who actually recognized her when he saw her again, decades later, at the Obama headquarters in Portland: "Helen? Is that you?!" As Helen was telling me this astounding tale, it occurred to me that I myself was not paying all that much attention -- and I already know and adore Helen. How many meaningful conversations have I partially skimmed through, trying to come up with clever things to say instead of actually listening? Probably most of them. OK, I do come up with some funny stuff, but still ... Kennedy was unselfish with his attention. He gave of himself to whoever might come along. He came up with some funny stuff too. Best of all worlds. He cared. He actually gave a crap about people who were much, much needier than he. He wanted to make their lives better; that was the yearning that drove him through all those decades. Today there are a whole lot of our fellow Americans so hell-bent on keeping what they've got that they're yelling and screaming and bringing guns to prevent the government from giving them something much, much better. Kennedy would have cared about them too. He would have had something to say that might have swayed them somehow, or at least maybe made them think. I doubt there is an American today who has not felt the benefit of Kennedy's influence in his or her own life, whether they know it or not. The world is a far better place for having had him in it. And we will not see his like again. |
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"I Did Not Pay Off My Mistress ...
I know, it's getting hard to keep all these philanderin' conservatives straight in one's mind, so let me jog your memory. This is the guy who got the hots for one of his campaign workers and her paychecks suddenly grew substantially and suspiciously -- as did her husband's, since he worked for the "Honorable" Senator Ensign as well. Does all that ring a bell? Doug Hampton, the Other Husband of the Other Woman, has told the whole story to a reporter in Las Vegas, and he says that as a faithful, god-fearing Christian, Ensign sought the counsel of other true-believing Republicans to figure out what to do about his all-consuming love affair. They prayed and fellowshipped the hell out of this troublesome question, and came to the obvious answer that the good Senator should literally write the whole thing off -- pen a tortured farewell letter to his illicit beloved, the enchanting Cindy. And so he did, thus contributing this to the annals of English Prose:
Oh lordy, how it does go on. And despite these noble thoughts he expressed so fervently, within days he was telling his mistress's husband, "I'm in love with your wife." OH BUT WAIT! This is a story that just keeps giving. Remember all that extra money Cindy happened to come into? It turns out that $96,000 of it was given to her and her family as a gift from Sen. Ensign's parents because they're just such doggone generous people. I can't help thinking about the conversation that got the money spigot flowing. "Mom, I've fallen in love. No no, not Darlene, it's ... Cindy -- you've met Cindy. Remember? At the barbecue? Yes, she works in the office. "Mom, my uberChristian brethren have prayed with me about this, and they say I should give her money. A good sum of money, say in the millions, would be good, they tell me. But this money needs to be hard to trace back to me. "Mom, I'm in trouble. Mom? "Yes, Mom. We have sinned together. I'm sorry, Mom. But I've written her a goodbye letter in my own hand. My repentance is out there in black and white. And as I understand the teaching of my brethren, that letter, together with the money, will restore my relationship to Almighty God, and I can only hope that He will forgive Me. "Can ya help me out, Mom? Pleeeeeease?" Yeah, that's about how it probably went down with Senator Ensign and his mommy. And Mom came through with generous gifts to the whole Hampton family. She loves her Johnnyboy, and this will help convince God to forgive him. It's all pretty crazy, but we can't blame Senator Ensign in all this. We all know who's at fault in all these blustery affairs: It's women's fault. All women. Wives are simply not sexy enough to sustain our lust; non-wives are just too doggone good-looking. I think we can all agree that if there were no women, this would not have happened. Oh hell, it probably would have anyway. Republicans are horny. |
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Ahmadinejad Does Not Learn From History. An open admonishment to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: IDIOT! This is not how you steal an election. As foolish as he was, George W. Bush knew something you apparently never figured out. First, the "results" ... Look at how colorful, diverse and "fair" the map from the 2005 election seems, as opposed to Ahmadinejad's lopsided "victory" in June. My dear Mr. Ahmadinejad, when you rig the numbers, you have to make it look close. Hell, you can even get fewer votes than your opponent and still win! Just dispute the close election and take it to the Supreme Court. They'll know what to do. I know George W. Bush. I've worked against George W. Bush. Mahmoud, you are no George W. Bush. I didn't think a country could have a worse or more corrupt commander-in-chief. You have proven me wrong. Her
Name Was Neda. The word "Neda" means "voice" or "call" in Farsi. But over the weekend, the name Neda has become a symbol for those the world over who yearn for freedom for all people. Twenty-six-year-old Neda Agha Soltan fell victim to the burgeoning violence following the corrupt elections in Iran. (I have seen the bloody, horrifying video; I will spare you.) Her story was told eloquently in a tearful post on Newsvine.com:
To this I would add, Neda is not only all Iranians. Neda is all people. And we pray for the people of Iran as they struggle for justice and peace. Reconstructing Rodney King. Watch the video "Reconstructing Rodney King" April 1992: I was driving down the freeway toward Berkeley, where I was going to engineer Mama O'Shea's program, "Shoutin' Out," on KPFA. I drove through communities with twilight curfews and police on high alert due to demonstrations and riots that seemed like they would never end. The announcer on the radio said that Rodney King was about to make a statement. Rodney King, the guy who had inadvertently started it all by getting his head beat in by cops who didn't know there was a guy with a video camera catching every power stroke of their batons. Rodney King, someone whose name we all knew, but whose voice we had never heard. I was on I-880 as Rodney stumbled and stammered his way through a statement he obviously had not prepared in advance. I had to put a little effort into figuring out what he was saying, but it was worth it. I was really moved by his words that day. He only spoke for a minute, but when he was done the radio guy came back and talked about what a ridiculous statement it was. And I sat there in my pickup thinking, "Were you listening to the same thing I was?" After all he'd been through, Rodney King was then subjected to public ridicule for his simple plea -- even while the riots subsided, I contend, almost entirely due to his heartfelt appearance that day. I did a radio piece about it which became this Flash video. A lot of people have seen it on YouTube but it looks a lot better here. Why The U.S. Economy Is Bound To Fail We created this simple riddle on the basics of the U.S. economy over a decade ago but did anybody listen to us? Nooooo. And now the world must suffer. |
Wichita Fanatics This video was produced in the wake of the assassination of Dr. George Tiller on May 30, 2009, one of only three practitioners who still performed late-term abortions in this country (almost always done to save the life of the mother or to save the baby from a short and painful life). The song was recorded in 1991. We ourselves were witness to the antics of Operation "Rescue" during their terror spree that summer -- putting their own children on the front lines in an effort to stop a completely legal procedure from taking place. I don't know what the world looks like from the vantage point of such absolute, black-and-white certainty about good and evil. But I do know that it's wrong to put children in that brainwashed position, and it's wrong to submit women to harassment when they're already going through an unspeakably difficult time. But murder in the name of "life"? Yeah, I guess that's fine. We're Soaking in Cheney. Watch "Dick Cheney's Hideaway" July 14 2009: The Obama administration is wishing on the evening star, hoping they don't have to open the Pandora's box of crimes committed by the George W. Bush Administration. There's a whole lot of creepy-crawlie stuff in there that's bound to get folks pretty riled up all over America and elsewhere (is there an elsewhere?). But as much as they click their ruby slippers together three times and wish with all their might, they're starting to realize they can't go on ignoring the elephant in the room forever. Barack, here's the elephant: His name is Dick. He's a war criminal. And YOU KNOW IT! Fellow conspiracy theorists, I am very unhappy to report that it looks like we were right all along. Cheney told the C.I.A. not to talk to Congress about what they were doing. It's called "Accountability" (look it up, Dick) and also "Following The Law" (George, think about it). These boneheads didn't have a clue about this kind of thing. We KNOW Obama has to be aware of how serious the Bush crime family's malfeasance was. He's a freakin' Constitutional scholar, for cryin' out loud! But then again, of course, we all voted for Obama because we knew he was a calm, steady fella who wasn't inclined to shake things up much. HEY WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S NOT WHY WE VOTED FOR OBAMA! Now Newsweek is reporting that Attorney General Holder is nudging closer to appointing a Special Prosecutor to look into the misdeeds of BushCo., so it looks like the Obama folks are going to have to gird their loins and open up that nasty box in the corner. You have to do it sooner or later. It's still stinkin' up the place. IT'S ALL ABOUT DICK. May 2009: I look back fondly at 2008 as one of those beautiful years when we never, ever had to look at Dick Cheney's sneering mug or even accidentally overhear his obtuse yammering. In fact, the best thing about Dick Cheney's tenure as Vice President was that we never heard hardly a peep from him. "There's no doubt Iraq has weapons of mass destruction." That's about the only Cheney quote I remember through that whole dark period. Oh yeah, there was that time he was recorded calling that reporter a "major-league asshole" when he thought his microphone was off. But Cheney's mike is always on these days, and he's full of cricism for President Obama. After all, the guy's been in office 100 days now and what has he done? Just off galavanting all over the world, apologizing to every nation on the globe. How embarrassing. By this point in his presidency, George W. Bush had taken at least two vacations. In honor of Cheney's emerging status as the figurehead of the Republican Party for the 21st century, we offer our tuneful Flash tribute, "Dick Cheney's Hideaway." Welcome back to the spotlight, Dick. May it shine ever more brightly upon you. I Won't Grow Up. You've got to check out this video. I did not write the lyrics to this one. At the dawn of the first war on Iraq -- remember, with Bush Senior accusing Saddam Hussein ofnaked aggression? Doesn't that seem quaint now? -- I was doing a lot of anti-war radio programming. There was a mom in San Francisco, Esther Kronenberg, who heard my work and sent me a letter. She explained that she had sat down to watch "Peter Pan" with her two little kids one evening, and when they sang the song, "I Won't Grow Up," she had a sudden inspiration. She had never written a song before, but she came up with these new words to the song and she hoped I might be able to use some of it somehow. Well, Esther made her point perfectly and didn't need any help from me. I recorded "I Won't Grow Up" with Esther's new lyrics, and sang it all over the Bay Area for the next year. Watch the video and hear Esther's remarkable lyrics. She really hit the nail on the head. Feelin' Groovy! This video was our attempt to capture the spirit of hope and pride we felt on Inauguration Day 2009, knowing all along the giddiness was not likely to last very long. I Loves Me Some Barack, And So Should You. See "Loves Me Some Barack" video I found myself on the Obama bandwagon pretty early on, especially considering that by the time we'd voted in the Oregon primary the contest was over. But I recorded this song in February 2008 and you can hear that I had bronchitis at the time. So now I'm trying to get over my second bout of bronchitis in 2009. Coincidence? Yeah, I think so. |
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copyright 2010 
Janice Leber, Chopped Liver Productions
And now, imagine this! He flies to Korea and has a nice, civil chat with the intractable Kim Jong Il, poses for a few quick photos, and BAM! Two American hostages are "pardoned," allowed to come home. Just like that. He just flashes his Arkansas smile, talks wistfully about the anti-nuclear pact they almost reached before his presidency ran out, they share a drink, perhaps a cigar ... and before you know it, Laura Ling and Euna Lee are on the plane with Bill, homeward bound. 
August 27 2009: Senator Kennedy looked a little ragged at the Democratic National Convention one year ago but we all thought, "Hey, the guy is going through chemotherapy. Considering that, hey, he looks great!"
July 9 2009: The truth, much like a flaming homosexual, has a tendency to want to come out. And thus, whether or not we want to, we now know a lot more of the sleazy details about Nevada Senator John Ensign's tawdry love life.
